Navigating The Emotional Toll On Children Caught In The Crossfire Of Divorce, Expert Shares Inputs

Divorce is no longer a rarity in urban India, with women far more economically independent and marriages being increasingly scrutinized for compatibility. However, as society evolves to accept divorce as a reality, one troubling pattern is emerging: children becoming pawns in contentious separations.

They say marriages are made in heaven, but is it necessary that divorces must be hell for both partners and especially the children? While the end of a marriage can be distressing for both partners, it’s the children, innocent bystanders, who often bear the deepest scars.

According to Child Therapist Manjari Keswani, Psychoanalytical Psychotherapist, with the right support and strategies, this difficult period can be navigated in a way that prioritizes the well-being and emotional security of a child.

Check out step-by-step inputs shared by Keswani to navigate the emotional toll on children caught in the crossfire of divorce.

Adapting to change

• Divorce represents a significant upheaval in a child’s life: the loss of a stable parental unit, home dynamics, and daily routines. Parents must ensure the transition is as smooth as possible by presenting a united front when talking to the child.
• Clear communication: Let the child know that while the marriage is ending, the love and care from both parents remain unchanged
• Consistent structure: A predictable schedule with clearly defined visitation arrangements can help the child feel secure. Both homes should provide similar amenities, toys, and routines to create a sense of continuity
• Proximity: When feasible, parents should live close to each other, allowing the child to have unrestricted access to both

Managing conflicting emotions

• Spend quality time: Engage in activities that make the child feel valued and loved
• Avoid the blame game: Stay neutral in front of the child and refrain from making negative remarks about the other parent
• Be honest and encourage open communication: Explain the situation in an age-appropriate way, ensuring the child doesn’t feel left in the dark. Allow the child to express their feelings freely and validate their emotions
• Remind them that they are loved: While this may seem obvious, continuously reinforcing your love during a difficult time will reassure your children and help them feel emotionally safe
• Try to maintain routines: Keeping up with established routines provides a sense of normality and stability, helping your child feel secure amidst the disruption in their life
• Listen to what they have to say: Be receptive to your child’s thoughts and emotions. Avoid dismissing their feelings, and allow them to express themselves freely without fear of judgment
• Seek professional help if needed: If the emotional toll becomes too overwhelming for your child, don’t hesitate to seek the guidance of a counselor or child therapist who can provide specialized support
• Encourage healthy coping mechanisms: Teach your child to channel their emotions constructively, whether through art, writing, or physical activity. Engage them in mindfulness exercises or relaxation techniques to help ease their stress

Creating a supportive environment

• Schools: Inform teachers and school staff about the situation so they can monitor any changes in behavior, academic performance or social interactions. School counselors can provide additional emotional support
• Grandparents: Encourage grandparents to spend quality time with the child. Their love, understanding, and life experience can be a powerful source of comfort, helping the child process their emotions. Grandparents often feel the pain of the divorce as well, which allows them to empathize with the child. Additionally, they can provide practical support by assisting with the child’s daily routine
• Cousins: Cousins of a similar age group can be an invaluable resource. Children often feel understood by peers who “know their story,” which helps alleviate loneliness. Spending time with cousins offers a liberating and joyful experience, creating a safe space where the child feels accepted and supported
• Festive occasions: Ensure the child feels included in family celebrations and gatherings which can help foster a sense of belonging and provide opportunities for positive shared experiences

Tackling social withdrawal

• Books: There are numerous books tailored to children of all ages that address the topic of divorce. Reading these can encourage children to think about their feelings and provide a platform for discussing their anxieties. A few titles include ‘When Mom and Dad Separate by Marge Heegaard’ or ‘Mum and Dad Glue by Kes Gray’ to better understand and navigate their emotion
• Creative outlets: Activities like painting or coloring mandalas can soothe the mind and help children focus
• Games and sports: Sports and games are valuable tools for building self-esteem, as they provide children with a sense of accomplishment and teach them how to cope with challenges such as losing and overcoming disappointment. Encourage your child by identifying a suitable sport to explore and pursue a sport they enjoy and show an aptitude for, as excelling in such activities can significantly boost their confidence

Addressing regression in younger children

• Reassurance: Provide consistency in their routines and a safe, loving environment
• Monitor eating and sleeping patterns: Significant changes can signal deeper emotional distress
• Visual aids: Use tools like calendars to outline visitation schedules, helping younger children understand what to expect

Striking a balance

• Reassurance: Parents must emphasize that the child does not need to choose sides
• Mutual respect: Set boundaries and foster respect between co-parents to model healthy relationships for the child
• Support network: Teachers, caregivers, and extended family should work together to create a nurturing environment

Divorce may mark the end of a marriage, but it doesn’t have to spell disaster for the children involved. With vigilance, empathy, and proactive measures, parents can ensure their child emerges from this challenging period feeling secure, loved, and ready to grow. This is not just a family issue; it’s a societal one. By raising awareness and educating parents, schools, and caregivers, we can minimize the emotional toll of divorce on children and help them build resilience for the future.